BREAKING: Cracker Barrel Leading to Collapse of Civilization
They said it would never happen. They said America was safe. But now, the Cracker Barrel rocking chair has been cancelled. Grab your syrup and say your prayers.
The last few posts have been about the history of evangelicalism and how it fused with political power, leading to our current political situation. History is heavy. The stories bring up a lot. Grief. Anger. Confusion. Complexity.
So, I need a breather.
Just for fun - here are 10 times conservatives said civilization was supposed to collapse, from bike seats to M&Ms.
1. Women Riding Bicycles (1890s)
Rev. Thomas B. Gregory warned that bicycles made women immodest: “When a woman throws off the beautiful reserve (modesty) which the Almighty has placed around her, she stands on dangerous ground.” Doctors chimed in with a fake diagnosis called “bicycle face,” a permanent look of strain, meant to scare women off their wheels.
Some men even divorced their wives over the “bicycle craze.”
What they were really afraid of? Women gaining independence and freedom (and maybe being able to ride on a bike faster than a man can run after them).
2. Women on Trains (mid-1800s)
Male critics claimed that “women’s bodies were not designed to go at 50 miles an hour,” and thought the acceleration would cause a woman’s uterus to fly out of her body.1
Apparently, God designed women to endure childbirth, but not the unspeakable trauma of a brisk train ride.
3. Jazz Music (1920s)
Pastors and politicians declared jazz the “devil’s music” that would unravel families and destroy the nation’s youth. Instead, it gave us Duke Ellington and Louis Armstrong, Ella Fitzgerald and Billie Holiday.
4. Elvis’s Hips (1950s)
When Elvis shook his hips on live TV, critics warned it was the downfall of Christian America. Civilization survived. Rock ’n’ roll thrived. The hips did not lie.
They thought Elvis’ hips were out of control back - go back to the early 1800s. The Walz was condemned because men and women touched while dancing. Lord Byron called it evidence of “the corruption of society.” This is why our youth pastors told us to always leave room for the Holy Spirit when you dance…
5. The Beatles’ Hair (1960s)
“Too long, too rebellious, too effeminate.” The Beatles’ haircuts were apparently the end of manhood. Men still exist. Hair still grows. Long hair is now okay.
6. Harry Potter (1990s–2000s)
Christian bookstores warned the boy wizard would summon Satan straight into America’s living rooms. Instead, it summoned millions of kids into reading. 🙌
But Chronicles of Narnia and Lord of the Rings? Totally fine. Tolkien was friends with the hero of evangelicals, C.S. Lewis, so safe by association… (ignoring the fact that Lewis wrote about God including people outside of Christianity, and he openly questioned the theology of hell).2
7. Starbucks Red Cups (2015)
When Starbucks released plain red holiday cups, conservatives declared a “war on Christmas and Christianity.” Jesus had been dethroned by a peppermint latte. Satan finally won.
8. The Green M&M’s Shoes (2022)
When Mars swapped the green M&M’s stilettos for sneakers, commentators mourned the death of sexy candy. Civilization was somehow expected to survive without cartoon heel fetishes.
Conservative talking heads like Tucker Carlson defended the original “sexy” heels.
9. Male Cheerleaders (Today - and for decades)
When men joined NFL and college cheer squads, the cries of outrage warned of America’s “feminization.” Rome fell to “barbarians”; apparently we fall to pom-poms. Conservative men seem fine with cheerleaders as long as they’re smiling eye candy for the male gaze. But men in tights? Unthinkable.
Unless… those tights are worn on the football field, where it’s perfectly acceptable to tackle each other, slap butts, and reach between one another’s legs in front of a roaring crowd.
Fun fact: Cheerleading actually began in male colleges in the late 1800s. Women weren’t really allowed until 1923, and didn’t become the majority until WWII, when the men went off to war.
10. Cracker Barrel’s Logo (Today)
The logo got a fresh redesign (actually, a callback to the 1969 logo). Fonts changed. The rocking chair and elderly man are gone. I don’t know what could be more woke.
Clearly, this is the final straw holding Western civilization together. May God have mercy on us all.
Why This Still Matters
Every generation has its parade of “moral decay” that supposedly spells the end of civilization. The pattern is clear: when something new challenges tradition, or even shakes up the familiar, many (no, not all), conservatives take offense and see it as a sign of the decline of civilization.
Today’s outrage over Cracker Barrel logos, cheerleaders, or candy mascots is the same script from centuries ago, just with new props. The details change, but the reflex is the same: guard the past, fear the future, and declare that society is teetering on the brink.
The truth? Civilization doesn’t collapse when people ride bikes, listen to jazz, or drink coffee out of a plain red cup. What collapses is the fragile myth that Christianity, God & Country, and tradition are one Cracker Barrel logo away from ruin.
If history shows us anything, it’s this: the culture wars don’t always protect civilization. But they can distract us from actually building one rooted in freedom, equity, hope, and love.
https://www.mentalfloss.com/article/67806/early-trains-were-thought-make-womens-uteruses-fly-out
https://northamanglican.com/the-salvation-theology-of-c-s-lewis/?utm_source=chatgpt.com